Video Series: Communal Culture Episode 5: Marriage and Family

⬤Marcia: I have a friend who lives in Uganda, Africa. Her brother was killed in a war after he and his wife had several children. The children went to be raised by my friend, their aunt. Their mother could stay with the children, but only if she agreed to move in with my friend, her brother’s sister.

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⬤Brian: Shalom! Welcome to Bridges to the Bible! I’m Brian Johnson!

⬤Marcia: And I’m Marcia Johnson!

⬤Brian: Why would they do this? Why couldn’t the children stay with their mother? What were they thinking?

⬤Marcia: Well even today in this part of the world, there are patriarchal cultures, and so the children belong to the father, not to the couple, because he had paid for his wife. So if he dies, they’re taken into his family, that of his siblings.

⬤Brian: This is the fifth part in the series on the communal nature of Biblical culture. Visit BridgesToTheBible.com, where you can download the episode guide which includes study notes, discussion questions, and more.

⬤Marcia: To recap where we’ve been in the series: we talked about eastern versus western thinking, honor/shame, names/naming. Last week we talked about the bet av, the father’s house, which is the building block of ancient society, an extended family. The patriarch was responsible to provide and protect for the members of his bet av.

⬤Brian: And today then we’re going to continue focusing on the bet av, focusing in on the different family members of it and their different roles and responsibilities, and also looking at betrothal and marriage and inheritance.

⬤Marcia: How can we best illustrate this? Should we show a bunch of slides with bullet points?

⬤Brian: I think we can get more creative than that, to make something more engaging. How about we tell a story to illustrate it, and then use some examples from the Bible.

⬤Marcia: That sounds interesting!

⬤Brian: And I have just the idea: let’s use LEGOs! This is Parosh, the patriarch: “Shalom!”

⬤Marcia: And this is Miriam, the matriarch: “Shalom!”

⬤Brian: Alright, let’s see what these little guys can teach us!

⬤Narrator: It had been a long day at his family’s wheat field. Parosh, his older sons, and Parosh’s brothers wander back home. As spring is giving way to summer, the grain is ready to be harvested. Parosh and Natan, his oldest son, review the repairs that will be needed on the watchtower and then discuss the Torah’s commands to leave some of the field unharvested for the poor. Crossing the threshold into their courtyard, his younger son Shumel runs to him.

⬤Shumel: “Avi!”

⬤Narrator: Miriam turns from her work:

⬤Miriam: “Shalom, Parosh! How is our wheat looking?”

⬤Parosh: “Blessed be He: we have such an abundant crop that I will need to hire some more hands this year!”

⬤Narrator: Parosh and the other men stay out of the women’s way as they finish supper preparations.

⬤Shumel: “Father, can I help you thresh the wheat again?”

⬤Parosh: “Sure! You were such a great help last year!”

⬤Narrator: Shumel’s little sister Devorah is learning to identify when the bread is done with her cousin Leah. Once the food is ready they all sit down. Famished from the hard day’s work, Parosh reaches for an extra helping. Miriam slaps his hand!

⬤Miriam: “We barely have enough until you have the harvest in. If I let you have all you wanted, we wouldn’t make it halfway to the next harvest. Once you bring it in, I’ll figure out how much we can have each day to make it last the year.”

⬤Narrator: At the end of the meal, they pray the blessing for the food, and the women start cleaning up. After the sun sets, they all go to bed. The next day Parosh and Miriam rise with the sun. On his way to the field, he stops in the town square to negotiate with a few men to help him with the harvest. Later that morning, Miriam goes to the market with Shumel, who is carrying several rugs the girls had woven that week. Stopping to talk with various merchants, she barters for some olive oil, dried dates, and cheese. The last stop before heading home is the village well to draw some water and some news.

⬤Miriam: “Is there any word about Sarah’s baby or Elizabeth’s mother?”

⬤Narrator: Heading home Miriam gives Shumel some dates to hand the village beggar. Walking away, Shumel repeats what he’s been taught:

⬤Shumel: “The Torah teaches us to be generous to the poor and love our neighbors!”

⬤Narrator: Arriving home, she sends Shumel to help his father in the field. As he runs off, she finds her daughters and nieces hard at work.

⬤Miriam: “This yarn looks beautiful! Why don’t you try dyeing it with this?”

⬤Narrator: She joins her sisters-in-law to grind the day’s flower. As they all work together in the courtyard, the mothers softly sings some Psalms, teaching the daughters to lead family worship. The women recount stories from the Torah to the boys and girls scattered across the courtyard, busy with their tasks. Miriam hopes and prays that she and Parosh are doing a good job raising their children for when they grow up.

⬤Brian: So what did you see going on here?

⬤Marcia: Well I saw the men’s and women’s roles were clearly delineated!

⬤Brian: Yeah, so the men are out working in the field; they’re outside the home, hiring, supervising, that sort of thing.

⬤Marcia: Whereas the women were in charge of the household needs; they were taking care of the food, the clothing, doing the training, in the marketplace, and teaching the children.

⬤Brian: Now, Miriam certainly sounds a lot like the woman out of Proverbs 31.

⬤Marcia: So she’s slaving all day in this kitchen. Is he going to come in and help her?

⬤Brian: No, he’s not, and for him to do that, if he did, he’d be stepping into her role then, and then basically what that’s saying is that she’s incompetent, not doing her job. So it would be an insult for him to help her.

⬤Marcia: Do the boys learn from the women or from the men?

⬤Brian: Well, all the children start with mom, and they’re learning from her, but then the boys go off to be with dad. They transition over there to learn the family trade, learn how to step into that role; whereas the girls stay with mom and learn how to be good wives and mothers. And by New Testament times, you’ve actually got a more formalized education as well, dealing with the synagogue. But, likewise, the children have chores around the bet av as well. Think about kids that grow up on farms today: all the different tasks that they have to do. For instance, the children in their time were generally the ones in charge of the flocks, taking care of them.

⬤Marcia: Kind of like David: he was the youngest, so he was the one that was out with the sheep.

⬤Brian: Right.

⬤Marcia: Can you give some scriptural examples of these types of things?

⬤Brian: It’s kind of difficult actually because most of these things that we’re talking about so far are just the ordinary everyday things that just everyone knew and everyone did. It wasn’t worth really writing about; it’s the exceptional things that people write about. These are just assumed; they go without saying.

⬤Marcia: We may wonder if these ancient women found their lives fulfilling, with all this male dominated society, but they probably couldn’t even imagine anything different, and actually they had a lot of power inside the bet av and had to develop a whole lot of skills. They actually controlled the economy of the bet av. You can think of them: they were the “bread-makers” where the guys were the “breadwinners.” I liked what one of my textbooks said, that “a man’s home was his wife’s castle.”

⬤Brian: Alright, well, let’s jump back in here and fast forward several years and see what happens next.

⬤Marcia: Yes!

⬤Narrator: After dark, the family rolls out the mats. As the children fall asleep, Parosh motions to Miriam to step outside, so they can have a private discussion under the stars.

⬤Parosh: “I think of the promise to our father Abraham every time I gaze at the nighttime sky. Praise be the Lord that, despite losing three of our children, we still have five sons and two daughters. And it shouldn’t be too long before we have grandchildren! Miriam, I believe Natan is ready for us to arrange a wife for him!”

⬤Miriam: “How time has flown! I still remember the day that you announced his name. Indeed, God gave him to us!”

⬤Parosh: “Word has gotten around that Eliezer’s 13-year old daughter Simchah is now eligible to get married. He is very good at making cheese. I was thinking that if I gave him a few goats for her bride price, he may give me a deal on some of his excellent cheese! What do you think?”

⬤Miriam: “Parosh, they are an honorable family and Eliezer is your second cousin. This sounds like an excellent match! And I think they could learn to love each other, like we did.” “May God bless them with many sons… and a few daughters too.”

⬤Narrator: The next day Parosh discusses the match with his brothers, and they also find it favorable. Over the next week, Parosh and Eliezer come to an agreement and inform their children. Natan and Simchah agree.

⬤Natan: “Father, Simchah is a good match that would benefit both of our families!”

⬤Narrator: After the betrothal is announced to the community, Parosh and Natan work together to add a room onto his father’s house for the new couple.

⬤Natan: “Father, when will it be time to return for my bride?”

⬤Parosh: “Patience my son.”

⬤Narrator: After several months, that day finally comes! Parosh tells Natan:

⬤Parosh: “You have prepared the place for your bride well; you may now return for her!”

⬤Narrator: The village celebrates the happy couple for the next week. At the wedding banquet, Simchah looks beautiful, decked in the jewelry she received as her dowry. Parosh’s family joyfully welcomes her into her new home. Time passes, and Simchah doesn’t get pregnant.

⬤Parosh: “Miriam, I’m worried about Natan and Simchah.”

⬤Miriam: “Me too. It’s shameful how long it’s taking.”

⬤Narrator: But they bless God after several years when they learn she is finally pregnant. The woman gives Simchah oodles of advice on how to raise a wise son. The labor pains finally come, but many hours go by without progress. The next day she dies, unable to deliver the baby. After the time of mourning, Parosh starts looking for a new match for Natan to make sure the family name lives on. Within a couple years, Natan has a new bride and a son of his own. Parosh and Miriam are very proud. Natan takes on greater responsibilities, learning from Parosh who is slowing down.

⬤Parosh: “Natan is doing such a good job taking care of our land and people. I don’t see any reason he shouldn’t be the next patriarch, do you Miriam?”

⬤Miriam: “Parosh, my dear, I agree. He will lead our bet av well!”

⬤Narrator: One day while preparing the ground for planting, Parosh collapses in the hot sun. The men carry him inside, and later that afternoon, he breathes his last. Before the sun sets, the family buries him on the corner of his field next to his father. The announcement goes out from Parosh’s brother:

⬤Brother: “Parosh had chosen Natan to be our bet av‘s next patriarch!”

⬤Crowd: “Yay!”

⬤Narrator: Natan inherits the double portion. His brothers and cousins acknowledge their support for him. Together they begin planting, starting a new cycle of life.

⬤Marcia: I think it was sad that Parosh died. I kind of got into liking him. Well, he was getting older.

⬤Brian: Yeah, I think what’s sadder was Simchah dying trying to give birth, but you’ve got to realize that the mortality rate back then was much higher than it is today: dying during childbirth, but also just infant mortality, child mortality rates.

⬤Marcia: Yeah, it reminds me that in the 1950s, my aunt was a missionary nurse in the Middle East. She went back and got a midwifery degree, so she could help deliver babies, because in that culture, they would not allow the male doctors to do this. She delivered countless babies, saved many lives of women and children.

⬤Brian: So that reminds me of Genesis 35, where Rachael dies giving birth to her son Benjamin. That’s something common, but let’s focus on some happier things from this story: what do you think about the marriage?

⬤Marcia: Well, we tend to marry for love, so this whole idea of arranged marriage just is very different. Even their goal for marriage was to have lots of children, so the girls had to marry really young so they could have as many child-bearing years as possible.

⬤Brian: And to not have children would be considered shameful. Think about Elizabeth in Luke 1: she’s an old woman, has never had any kids, and what sort of shame did she feel as a result of that, for her and her husband. But then the excitement, the lifting of the shame, the honor of becoming pregnant and giving birth to a son! And sons were valued more than daughters because the sons were the heirs; they were the ones to carry on the family name.

⬤Marcia: But why arrange the marriages?

⬤Brian: Well, they did not typically marry for love, rather, it was more for economic reasons. You’re taking two families and tying them together in some way, for creating some trade, some sort of relationship that you’re establishing. And you would hope that they would learn to love. But, there is still love that could be involved as a secondary thing, like it says that Jacob loved Rachel.

⬤Marcia: The mothers and fathers both talked about potential matches, and then the fathers met, got together and discussed the final arrangements.

⬤Brian: And the children did have the final say in the matter, whether agreed or not. But typically, they’re going to go with what their parents said, because they’re going to trust their parents, they’re going to trust that their parents know them well and know that this is going to be a good match, if they’re good parents. Think about Abraham: he sends his servant to get a wife for his son Isaac and finds Rebekah, asks Rebekah, “Will you go with this man?” and she agrees. He gives them gifts to her father, that sort of thing.

⬤Marcia: A couple of years ago we did a tour in Jordan, and our guide told us that his marriage was arranged. Interestingly, he said his children said, “No way, you’re not doing that for us!”

⬤Brian: So it is changing. The other thing is the bride price, and how the father of the groom or the groom would pay the father of the bride to get the bride, purchasing her. That’s because there’s an economic loss because of her leaving her father’s house. Think about Jacob: he goes and then works for seven years to pay the bride price for his wife.

⬤Marcia: My friend in Uganda that we were speaking about had an arranged marriage, and her father was paid 12 cows for her! And as I mentioned in the opening story, she’s raising her deceased brother’s children because the children are regarded as his and belong to his family because they paid for the bride.

⬤Brian: And the flip side to the bride price is the dowry. This is what the bride’s father gives to her, not to the couple, but to her. This is really a financial safety net for her, in case something bad happens, whatever the case may be. One example that we see of a dowry in the Bible is Solomon. Solomon marries Pharaoh’s daughter, and her father, the Pharaoh, gives her a dowry: the city of Gezer, kind of a big, unusual dowry, but that’s what makes it worth writing about. There’s a famous old photo: you can see this young bride here, and you can see here she’s wearing her dowry, these coins.

⬤Marcia: The son added a room onto his father’s house for his bride, and then it was the father who said it was okay time; you can go bring your bride back home. And so then the girl has to leave her father’s bet av and move to her husband’s.

⬤Brian: So then you’ve got the marriage; you have children, but that’s not the end thing. The point of the children then is that next generation: moving on, the inheritance. You need to have a son to replace the patriarch, and so the patriarch and matriarch are going to select who that’s going to be. Most typically that’s going to be the firstborn, but you do see sons jockeying for positions.

⬤Marcia: The firstborn received double the inheritance, so that they would have the resources to run the bet av. Interesting that Jacob adopted Joseph’s two sons Manasseh and Ephraim, and they became two of the twelve tribes of Israel, so in this way Joseph got the double portion.

⬤Brian: And there’s instances of God selecting somebody else other than the firstborn to take over. For instance, he chose Jacob over Esau, or David over his older brothers.

⬤Marcia: So what does this have to do with us, beyond understanding their families and their marriages?

⬤Brian: The New Testament uses this imagery, this common image that everyone’s aware of, of how marriages and families work, to help us understand our relationship to God. For instance, Jesus talks about how he is the groom and the church is his bride.

⬤Marcia: Yeah, look at what Jesus says in John 14: “In my Father’s house are many rooms. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.”

⬤Brian: And for those who are familiar with the King James version, where it uses many “mansions”: “mansion” is just an old English word for “house,” nothing spectacular.

⬤Marcia: Then when the disciples asked Jesus when he returned, we see his answer in Matthew 24: “But concerning that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father only.” We saw this when Parosh told Natan when he could go and get his bride.

⬤Brian: And similarly later in Matthew 24 says, “Therefore, stay awake, for you do not know what day your Lord is coming.” We need to await and be ready for his return, because we don’t know when it’ll be.

⬤Marcia: Yeah, and then in Revelation 19, we’re seeing the Bible ending with Jesus returning for his bride, having a wedding banquet, and then settling down into a new home of the New Heavens and the New Earth.

⬤Brian: There’s also multiple places in the New Testament where it talks about the language of inheritance, using this imagery. It talks about inheriting eternal life, sharing in the inheritance of God’s people, or inheriting the kingdom of God. You can read in 1 Peter 1; it says that we will get an inheritance that is imperishable. So, what we need to remember is we need to watch and be ready for Jesus’ return, for our groom’s return; be ready for it. But then also, part of that preparation is we’re distracted by all the things around us in this world, that there is something better coming: we have an inheritance: this amazing inheritance that’s coming!

⬤Marcia: That’s really cool! So we’ve talked today about some of the everyday life of the bet av. We’ve looked at the men’s and the women’s roles; we’ve covered marriage and inheritance practices. It’s helpful for us to understand these cultural images that the Bible uses.

⬤Brian: Continue the conversation at BridgesToTheBible.com. You can find the discussion questions to dive in more to these topics. Come join us next time as we’re going to continue to discuss the bet av, where we’re going to look at some of the threats against the bet av. And until next time, SHALOM!

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